Staring At The Rain
by AmyHale
Summary: Set in 2x21. Derek's sentence "I'm not Mark's friend" had hurt Addison more than he expected. When he comes home that night, he is not ready to what he has to face. Can he fix things with his wife before it's too late?


**A/N: Okay, this is a thing that came to my mind last night right before I fell asleep. It's set in 2x21, when Addison says that she's friend with Meredith and Derek tells her that he isn't friend with Mark. Basically, Der comes home that night and...**

He felt guilty, on his way home. All day, he had avoided the thought of her sad look, kicking it away from his mind. But now, now that he was standing in front of the trailer, and he could see a small light inside, the hurt look that his wife had tried bravely to hide that morning, came back to haunt him.

He breathed out, and opened the door to enter.

The first thing that came to his mind was that she appeared miserable.

She sat on the edge of the bed, and she wore a gray training suit. Her hair, a mess. She was holding a glass of red wine in one hand, and a tin full of pills in the other. She was looking at it, expressionless.

The music from her I-pod was so loud the he could easily hear it. For the same reason, she didn't notice him, and Derek kept staring at that woman, barely recognizing her.

Addison took one pill, and drank some wine to swallow. Then another white pill, another red sip. Derek was immobilized a few steps from the door, desperately trying to convince himself that his wife wasn't doing what he thought she was.

Addison put three pills in the palm of her right hand, and she stared at them before taking them, but before she could even move the glass towards her mouth, Derek ran over to her and grabbed her by her arms, screaming her name, as her headphones fell down.

"Spit them." he told her.

Addison kept staring at him.

"SPIT THEM ADDISON!" he repeated, and this time she did what she was told.

He breathed deeply, still in front of her, pushing aside her red hair and then leaning his forehead on hers.

"Addison," he blurted. "What were you doing?" he stood up, and ran his fingers through his hair. He took the pills, and threw them in the toilet, then he picked up the still half full glass, overthrew the red wine in the washbasin, and dashed the glass on the ground.

He knelt down in front of her, he took her hand in his and then gently caressed her arms and her shoulders, smoothing a lock of her hair. Then he hugged her. He hugged her tight because he was scared to death. He'd never seen her like this before, not even the day he left her.

"Hey." he whispered, his voice shaken, as he tried to fight back his tears.

She didn't answer, sinkin' her face in his neck.

After a while, Derek picked her up, and placed her under the sheets; he then sat next to her and made her rest her head on his chest.

He caressed her forehead, and her cheeks, and her arms. He could do anything but touch her, be sure that she was still there.

She opened her mouth and let come out a small sigh, and she held Derek's T-shirt tight as she drew nearer to him.

He sighed, too, and tried to talk, to tell her how much she had scared him, and how sorry he was for the way he had treated her lately, and to, please, never think to do it again. But all he could do now was hold her, and breathe.

"We could talk in the morning." she said quietly. "I'm really tired now." she whimpered.

"Okay." he answered.

_**xxx**_

All night, in her light sleep, Addison could hear her husband's agitation as he tried not to wake her up when he moved, or ran his fingers through her hair, or called the Chief to have a day off and stay with her.

'Addison's sick.' she heard him say on the phone, in her drowsiness.

Then, she finally_ really_ fell asleep, and only woke up when she heard the birds chirp.

She stretched and yawned, and her smile fade when she saw his red and tired eyes.

"Derek." she softy said, caressing him on his cheek. "I'm sorry." she gave him a smile and a slight kiss. "We can talk now."

"No." he replied as he got up. "You need to eat first."

"Eat?" she asked as she looked at him walking to the table.

"Yes." he smiled. "What do you want?"

"Er... just a cookie is okay."

"A cookie? No, no, you need to eat something more."

"I would say Izzie Stevens' muffins but... we haven't got them."

"Stevens' muffins, huh?" he grinned. "What if I call her and ask her to bring some here?"

"No- Derek, we can't do this."

"I'm sure she would be happy to, and besides, she has to get up anyway."

"Fine." Addison rolled her eyes, thinking that at least she owed him to 'win' that battle.

Derek dialed the number, and waited for their colleague to answer. "Stevens?... This is Derek Shepherd. Er... I was wondering if you could cook us some muffins, please?... Yes, me and my wife. Well, we're not at work today... Stevens, if you don't bring them here now I swear you're done with surgery for a week."

"Derek!" Addison protested.

"What?" he said, hanging up the phone. "She's coming."

"Of course she's coming." she rolled her eyes again.

Half an hour later, they were on the bed with the muffins and some orange juice, and they were silent once again.

"Wanna talk?" Addison asked softly as she put down her plate.

"Okay. But we need to be extremely sincere with one another."

"Sure."

"It's-it's just that I'm sorry... about New York. I know that I neglected you, and that I was never home... I just didn't notice it at the time. I was just a man that wanted his career to be super, or whatever, and for that I penalized you, my wife. And I'm still mad because of Mark, but I was wrong when I didn't let you explain, and Addison, I'm sorry I just... walked away."

"Yes, but-"

"Another thing." he smiled at her as he interrupted her. "When I told you that I was in love with Meredith... well, I was just trying to hurt you. I had a crush on her, and maybe I still have some feelings... but I love you, because in our past there are twelve years of marriage that I can't just throw away, and I picked you remember?"

Addison sighed. "It's my turn now. But you need to know that some things about me and Mark are gonna hurt."

"Doesn't matter. I want the truth, I can deal with it. Go on." he held her tighter.

"When you caught me and Mark... well, it wasn't the first time. It was the second, actually. But, but it was just sex. Mark was a close friend, and he noticed that I was a bit down, so he started to come over at our place, and in the beginning we just talked, or watched a movie... And one night I freaked out because I thought that you were having an affair, and he cradled me as I cried, and all I know is that one moment I was sobbing and the other I was dancing with him in the middle of our living room. And it happened." she stopped for a moment, but didn't dare looking at Derek. "The second time, you stood me up at our anniversary. Did you notice it?"

"No, I never noticed it." Derek mumbled.

"Then you left and... I felt miserable and so so guilty, and I just wanted to erase and rewind, but I knew I couldn't because you weren't answering my calls... So I decided... to stay with him. To love him. Well, _pretend_ to love him, because I really wasn't able to. I found him cheating, but I didn't care, because the only thing that mattered was that you weren't with me anymore, and it hurt like hell. Then one day... Derek... one day I understood that I was pregnant. I did an ultrasound, and I was only five weeks, so I was sure it was Mark's. And I told him. He was happy, he bought me a Yankee's onesie. But Derek, I couldn't have his baby. I didn't want my baby to grow up in a family where the mother isn't in love with the father, and the father cheats over and over." she paused again. "I had an abortion."

Derek's body was tense next to her. "You stayed with him?" he asked, dangerously calm. "_You got pregnant by him?_" his voice shook, as rage took the control of his mind.

"Der..." Addison closed her eyes, her heart pulsing in pain.

"NO!" he hissed. "I need... to take a walk."

_**xxx**_

Derek walked in the woods, trying once again to kick away his thoughts. In the beginning, it worked. He concentrated on the different types of lives, and trees. He closed his eyes and thought about brain's mechanisms.

It worked, until one thing came to his mind. The pills. The pills!

He had thrown them away, but she might had another tin somewhere. He accelerated to go back to the trailer.

When he arrived, the sun had been covered by the clouds.

He threw open the door, and looked inside as his fear grew.

She was on the bed, peacefully asleep, her hands held the sheet, and she was smiling.

"ADDISON!" he shouted, running over at the bed as she got up confused.

He hugged her again, terrified, and she held him back. "Shh... it's okay babe." she whispered. "I'm here."

He burst into tears, and she just cradled him softly, caressing his back.

When he stopped, a long time later, he pushed her back and kissed her. He deepened the kiss and made her lay down, touching her body.

He smelled her perfume, as he pulled down the zipper of her sweatshirt. She only wore a bra, under that.

The made love softly, gently, slowly. They were sure that they had issues, right now, but they knew they could get better, together, one step after another.

Outside, over them, the sky decided to cry, and it started pouring.


End file.
